I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
