I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
