You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
