Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
it was like eating out sand paper
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
