I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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