FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
