I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
