pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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