I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
