we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
