I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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