Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
