you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
