I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
