Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
