Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Found the puke drawer
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
