you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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