i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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