the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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