Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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