have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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