I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
