i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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