Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
