Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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