Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
