In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
