Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Randomize
