The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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