I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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