Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
