you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
She bit a glass in half.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
where are my eyebrows?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
