I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
