Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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