FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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