Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
