I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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