It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
