New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Farmville is her only friend.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
