But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
