I think my fart just growled at me.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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