Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
either way he was missing a nipple.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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