If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
