1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
