i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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