Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
