pedialite and red bull = repair kit
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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