it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I need water and some morals
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
