My underwear smells like fireworks.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
