i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
